Descriptionimage 480619993612x612.jpg (45.2kB)I’m trying to “date” using an online service to see if the people in my age bracket who use it are interested in “dating,” or just interested in the other things under a different and less honest name. But my theory that no one actually dates any more (as in the traditional definition of spending time with a relative stranger to get to know them well enough to determine whether to advance to a relationship) has not yet been disproven, either through my own experience or that of those around me. Even what my manwhore friend S calls “dates” are essentially what he goes through to get to sleep with someone, not because he wants to find someone for a relationship.
This is an interesting thought. I think there’s some truth in this statement.
I do agree that there seems to be two types of situations that are more often discussed or prevalent. Either a man or woman is constantly going on a bunch of first dates that led nowhere. Or they’re engaging in these civilized casual sex arrangements. Dates seem to consist of meeting for drinks as a pre-tense to sex. Anyone who says they prefer something more involved (NOT more expensive) is told they’re entitled or spoiled. Sorry, but I happen to agree with Themis’s comment about not being down with the drink and fuck scenario so many men are fond of. It’s just sheer laziness. But they wouldn’t keep doing it if there weren’t plenty of women who accept such minimal effort. So you can’t get frustrated at one side and not the other. If you’re genuinely looking for a relationship, the only way to combat this is to set higher standards for yourself. That goes for both men and women.
I happen to believe that there are plenty of men out there who are excited at the possibility of getting to know a woman and incorporating her in to her life. But, for whatever reason, they aren’t being given a chance. I also think that many women are being held responsible for the mistakes of girlfriends/wives past, thereby causing them to be dismissed. More than anything, many of us are falling prey to the “bigger, better thing” mentality where we think someone “better” is just a click, poke or Tweet away. What you have is a bunch of people bouncing off each other on their way to another ball instead of standing still and connecting. And that’s the problem. We have so many ways to connect or re-connect with people…yet we’re not actually connecting. I think we’re all so worried that we’re missing out on something, or being played, or feeling trapped that we’re afraid to stay on the ride and see where it takes us.
Personally I blame online dating for greatly, but not solely, contributing to this mentality. No where else will you find such a high concentration of people who have their priorities out of whack and a distorted perception of themselves. That internet serves as a nice little barrier where everyone can pretend to be someone they aren’t. Then, when they’re confronted with actually having to be themselves, they run in other direction. The internet is fraught with opportunities to build a false sense of intimacy. In the light of day, when we have nothing to use as a shield, we’re afraid people won’t like the “real” us, the person behind the status updates or profile. If online dating taught me one thing it’s that nothing is more unsettling to those who rely on their well-crafted image than to realize how totally transparent they are.
Back to the original topic. Is dating dead? If so, what’s the cause of death?
Are women afraid to speak up because they think they’re too easily replaceable thanks to the Intrawebs? Are men’s brains so filled with stories about how their friend got screwed in a divorce that they have no desire to commit? Are we, as a society, being groomed to believe that commitment no longer means anything?
I do believe that there are many, many people out there who are willing to devote themselves – in various compatible capacities be it open relationships to living in separate homes to traditional marriage – to someone else. If you’re constantly exposing yourself to people who don’t believe in these things, or who are either incapable or disinterested in reaching such levels of intimacy, then that eventually will wear off on you.
ETA DECEMBER 2010 - I think we’re moving away from traditional dating and relationship in many ways and various reasons. Something else that plays a part in this change is that many people are consciously deciding or choosing to be single. Not everyone feels a need to pair of and has no problem providing for themselves whatever emotional support that they need. I think there are more and more people choosing this route, and not because they’re burnt out or bitter or have given up, but because they are self-sufficient and feel very comfortable being on their own. They’re single by choice and don’t feel a need to defend that. They date if they choose to, but don’t date with the goal of settling down. They date for the fun and companionship and, sure, the sex. They aren’t following some time line or being ruled by a biological clock. They have what they need because they’ve provided those things for themselves. They don’t date because they need to or feel they should. They date because they want to. And if they don’t want to, they don’t.
